Not so alone

14 Feb

I haven’t really kept up with the blog because I met someone and things got so busy and so involved with happiness unexpected bliss that I was really just working with that for a while. I have missed writing and documenting how I’ve grown and changed in the past year. but this blog title was really short lived and not very well thought out. I really thought I was going it alone for a long while after the breakup with the ex. But the heart wants what it wants and I love The BF so much that I decided this couldn’t be the place I write about things anymore…

Come check out what is going on with my life over at my new blog Wounded Fawn. I’m in love and have never been happier!

” Follow your heart and nothing else.”

No worms for me!

8 Sep

After seeing four different doctors including dermatologists I found out that I did not have ringworm! I have something called pityriasis rosea. This condition is often mistaken for ringworm especially in the initial phase of it before the full rash comes in. I hate to say this but I think the doctors I saw didn’t want to listen to what I was saying since I told them I had already been diagnosed with ringworm. They heard that and didn’t want to think of anything else. I was pigeonholed as a paranoid patient and was pushed aside. This misdiagnosis has been making my life hell since July! I was tired of cleaning the toilet seat every time I used the bathroom so I didn’t spread anything to my roommate, I constantly smelled of tea tree oil and the worrying was making me sick in the head. Even my very favorite doctor, my primary physician that I have been seeing since 2003 was annoyed with my paranoia. I feel slightly disappointed in him for showing his personal emotions to me over a medical condition I was coming to him with but he has helped me through far too many things to be upset forever and he is a very good Dr., a top doctor according to Philadelphia’s Top Doctors list so hopefully he wont slight me again ;)  …Moving right along.

So, I decided to leave Center City doctors and see a good old South Philly doctor who had time for me and I have made her my new dermatologist. Sorry, Jefferson Dermatology Associates, you are without me!

This is the herald spot that started this whole ringworm fiasco!

Herald spot, not ringworm. Phew!

 

Can you believe this?

So the new Dermatologist tells me there isn’t much information on this pityriasis rosea and no one really understands why but the only thing that helps it go away is sunlight. Weird.. so I say well that’s not going to work, I live in the city and pityriasis concentrates on your trunk, sometimes limbs but almost never your face. Where am I gonna get sun on my trunk in the city?

OH! That’s right… Hawaii has sunlight! and the countdown to Hawaii begins! 9 days to Hawaii!

I will be gone for 7 days and the reason I am going… is to do the Maui Marathon! hahahahah! This is funny because I am not a runner by any means and I did start training back when my two friends and I decided to do this and I was training. It was going well… and then I stopped. Basically I am not prepared and super scared to get injured and overall I think this is a bad idea. We shall see what happens.

On another note, I am really excited about this guy that I met last week. I haven’t said anything about him because I am not sure what to say or what I will ever say. I don’t know if it will go anywhere or what will happen but I feel like a small, excited, child… with a balloon. This is exactly how I have wanted to feel and one day… I will reveal to you all what that all means. Especially the feeling like a child part because this will come up often.

But for now all you shall know is that I want to feel like a small child with a balloon and the person making me feel that way is a Dr.

 

Song: 99 red balloons, Goldfinger

 

 

 

Letters from a stalker

1 Sep

Summer 2005 (hand written note)

it is incredible of how your precious smile projects a lots of energy on a person_

(“especial on a person like me”)

nobody could predict the future but anybody could imagine. and always with a good aura

at this time you are a person that I am going to wish for a great success.

buena suerte en todo

good luck on everything..

it is an honor for a guy like me to make a white girl happy.

A special white girl like you.

March 1 at 7:14pm

hello pretty lady.. im the guy from the park!! mexican!!

i always dreamed to be with you at some point while alive..
so my dream goes on still
because im very well alive..
how things are going with you??

March 21 at 12:40pm

Hello sweet and beautiful girl

hola.. this is me julio the mexican guy..
the rittenhouse square park!!!
do you remember now?

i always though of you being a natural beauty..
just wondering how has been going everything with you..
adios mamita caliente..

your always the most loyal of your admirators

April 9 at 3:46pm

love the hat and of course love the fact of your beautiful looks

hello kristin
im julio the mexican guy from norristown
just wondering about you
and of course thanking you for the times you make me feel good by talking to you
wish of course to see you again
in the mean while i want to wish you for one great and beautiful weekend ok..

adios hot amazing mamita..

June 22 at 8:07pm

wish you haven’t forgotten me…

so how life has been with you hot mami???

June 22 at 7:59 pm

<<<<>>>> hola hot mami.. im julio the mexican guy!!!!!!!!

remember me im the guy who did fail for you at the rittenhose park in philly..
always wonder about your beautiful big breast i always
though how sexy and beautiful did look on you..
adios you are always looking great

take care hot mami

August 26 at 4:13pm

hola como estsa.. remember me????

wonder why life hasn`t had bring me close to your heart..
you always be the beautiful girl that my heart feel happy with..

Apparently after 5 years this guy remembers me and apparently he knew my last name or found me somehow on facebook. Creepy!

Somebody to Nobody

17 Aug

Saturday I felt weak and helpless. Sunday I felt worse. By the time Monday came I felt like nobody at all.

I see Therapist on Mondays. She asked me about the last time I felt like somebody. There were a few moments here and there but they didn’t stick. She asked me where was the little girl that felt safe and carefree, flirty and fun? I said I couldn’t remember. I said, ” who is that?” And she reminded me I have talked about her, she is there. She asked me if I couldn’t remember the little girl then tell her about who the little girl had become.

That’s when I could see the little girl and couldn’t make out who she had become.

The little girl, She was wearing a white cotton dress that was a little too small for her. She had on red tights and white flats with a huge bow across the top of the toe. She had long, warm hair from the sun and a flirtatious hand up in the air. I still have that girl’s nose, cute and button-like but I don’t have her.

Where did you go little girl? Where have you been hiding?

She was playing by herself but she wasn’t alone. Her dad was around somewhere. They had a watermelon patch and a yelling episode for putting eyeshadow on the cat, Killer. She had her father and he had her and they were all present.

I don’t have him and I don’t have her but I hope they are somewhere together and maybe if I find one, I’ll find the other.

Therapist said I’m squashing my light. I’m squashing her light.

Get the flyers up. Have you seen the girl?

I let her go like paper air planes
How can I explain that I’m lost without you around.
What If I never lost you I wouldn’t have to find you all over and over.
Send her ’round my way
And send her here to stay
Sending light just like a star
Telling me where you are
Embrace me and make me whole.
-TBS

Constants aren’t so…

15 Aug

…Constant anymore.

Yesterday I wished I was hospitalized. I just had that kind of day where I wished I was being taken care of. I needed a lot of care. I spent the morning thinking about how Sugar braided my hair in the hospital last August. I was there to have my gallbladder removed.  I feel like being a baby right now. Ehh…

Here I am waiting and waiting for pain medication and waiting to get my gallbladder out of me!

 

 

On the day of my surgery he seemed really nervous. He visited me before I went into surgery but didn’t hang around while I was in there. He kept calling and calling to see if I was out of surgery but I was in there for a long time. I also woke up at the end of surgery while the tube thingy was still down my throat and I started gagging.

I like this photo a lot because I think I kind of  look like myself as a little girl . Which, was the mood I was in then and the mood I am in today. So just hospitalize me why don’t ya!

Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound

12 Aug

I’m having a Kentucky whiskey kind of night, NOT to be confused with a Tennessee whiskey kind of night because we all know those nights ended in highschool. I’m really not drinking any whiskey because a few shots of Kentucky whiskey makes me think I should have some Irish whiskey and then you know what I think don’t you, THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING. You might be thinking by now that I am an alcoholic and I would have to say, “Not anymore.”

It’s true, I am listening to Dixieland Mix on Itunes but I’m not drunk. In fact I gave up all liquor on Jan 4, 2010.

I did really well all night, that night. It was mine and my roommates sweater party. Do a little dancing like Barack Obama to Biggie Smalls, drink a lil cider. Stop there. Only! I didn’t stop there, I went over to the bar across the street from my house with some of my peeps(I never really use this word) and I asked the bartender, Charlie, What do you have that goes down real smooth?” He said, “Nothing.” Great, I responded, Jameson it is.”  Haha… uh oh!

I don’t know, maybe I had the equivalent of 9 shots? I can’t be sure because I can’t remember. This was the last black out night I will ever have, If I have anything to do with it. It actually is much cheaper this way because now that I don’t drink liquor three glasses of wine and I’m drunk!

So watch the progression of the night:

Doing a lunge, which happens to be my standard pose. haha

Doing a lunge, which is a fairly routine pose for me.

That’s a fierce cheek kiss! Dang it, I don’t mess around!

When I woke up the next morning and finally found, my camera, my phone and my credit card one by one I then turned on my camera and this was the very last photo from the night.

My friends said they had to pull me outta there shortly after I started my 80’s dance moves and then got on top of the bar. What?

So moral of the story, Liquor is no friend of mine, UNLESS! I am playing the fool!

The next day was one of the hardest days to stay awake ever! Which truly sucked because the ex, Sugar, had gotten us tickets to see one of my favorite performances put on by a chinese dance theater. Look how I cleaned up though!

We are outside of one of our favorite restaurants at the time. Look how far apart we are standing… ehh

So finally, you may be wondering why I am having a whiskey night even though I am not drinking whskey or anything for that matter.

I didn’t have a wonderful day for some reason. I had a hard day at the doctor’s yesterday. He told me I do actually have to go get a colonoscopy this time. Don’t just say I’ll do it. Okay. My ringworm has gotten better in a way. The main spot is almost gone, but there are about 20 other spots.

I think I may have something suppressing my immune system and that is the reason I can’t shake this fungus. Maybe it is just stress. Last week when I was talking to my Therapist she told me that in Chinese medicine, skin problems are due to grief. I accept that.

Today in therapy it was an interesting day. After seeing Therapist for 4 years, I sneezed in her office for the first time. I hold in my sneezes, you know what “they” say not to do because the pressure can damage your brain or some such nonsense. When she saw that I held in my sneeze she thought it was so telling and had perfect timing since we were talking about how I squash all of my passions including sexuality. Yes, Therapist.

I shouldn’t have talked about Eddie as an object early this morning. As just a mouth to kiss. He has squashed passions too I’m sure. He’s just as real as me. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t want to be real. I want to be unreal. Fake. Beyond Fake.

End.

And here is a message from one of my Dirty South remix.

“You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late.”

Is anyone out there reading this? Say hi whydontcha

The things I couldn’t carry.

9 Aug

I was working from home all day yesterday and didn’t get to share what actually happened while I was packing my stuff up and moving it out of my ex’s. The Rilo Kiley post was exactly how I was feeling yesterday though. When I was in a relationship with the ex I preferred Jenny Lewis’ version of Silver Lining without her band but now I enjoy the Rilo Kiley version more because I am starting to feel good again. I feel so alive! This is her version alone. Can you tell the difference and see where I am at with it?

I think both versions are beautiful but her version alone seems so desperate. Maybe desperate isn’t the right word but listen to both and you will know what I mean.

So, Saturday. I went to the ex’s to pack up my stuff and I hadn’t remembered clearly just how much stuff I still had there. He was there, he offered me something to drink and I used his house phone for 45 minutes to set up my new blackberry because I couldn’t do it while on my blackberry and it’s the only phone I have. A little weird, I know.

It was hard to be there and see my stuff there when it didn’t belong there anymore and remember of the times it did belong there. All of the things I have ever given him, like nicknacks, and notes and rocks that I had picked up and saved for him are all still on display on the ledge in the kitchen. He has a photo of me taken in Oaxaca, Mexico,  on the wall near the notes I’ve left for him with kissed lipstick prints and postcards I’ve sent to him while I was both away without him and on vacation with him. On the inside of his apartment door there is a note that says,

Dear BG, (he called me baby girl)

Please turn the heat up if needed.

…(a few other things)

Missing you,

Sugar

*SIGH*

I brought trash bags to load my stuff into and I cleaned out my drawer full of winter sweaters since I hadn’t stayed there since February. I packed up all of my jewelry and razors and highheels and I put in a pile what I couldn’t carry. In the middle of all of this he was reading in his room but he came in while I was standing in the middle of the study with all of our memories around us and I was crying.

He said, “Why are you crying now? I know you love to cry.” I know what he meant but I didn’t say anything but, “Yes, I like to cry.”

As I was standing there crying even after he left the room I text my mom and asked her if the next time she was in Philly could she pick up the things I couldn’t carry?

Then with my phone in my hand, I get an email from the other story, for another time, the guy that I kissed.

Uhh.

And I’m not going back…

8 Aug

…into rags, or in the hole.

The grass it was a tickin’ and the sun was on the rise. I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die.

I was your silver lining, as the story goes. I was your silver lining, but now I’m gold.

-Rilo Kiley

Sick like a dog.

7 Aug

I have been sick, it is true. I haven’t posted, I know.  I also know the saying is “sick as a dog” but I choose to say sick like a dog because once when I was washing dishes, at a restaurant, while in high school, my manager said that to me, you know, “sick like a dog” and I thought that’s not how the saying goes and then I thought why not? Why the hell not!

The ringworm has taken over my body and I can’t seem to kick it out of me. On top of that, I had a really bad aching back all last week and swollen tonsils some people like to call kissing tonsils, which I think sounds romantic. My tonsils were anything but romantic. I think I am going to share with you a photo of my ringworm just so you know how this fungus can ruin a life! Dramatic, right?

I am heading over to the ex’s apartment in a few to clean out my things. I know what you must be thinking… when did she break up with him? I know, I know, back in March. I just couldn’t get my things yet. It has been too hard. Go collect my things… ahh. Today is the day though. I don’t know what I am going to do though, because he has all of my most important things for safe keeping. MY jewelry that he bought me, my passport and everything else that is valuable. I feel like vomiting.

I was at home this past weekend picking up my cat from my mom’s and visiting with family and the ex asked if he could drive me home to the Poconos to get my cat and I said no thank you. Then I felt bad and invited him to my brother’s BBQ on Sunday which he ended up saying no to. Then! I was at my Grandma’s on Monday and Tuesday watching my little goddaughter and he asked if he could pick me up and drive me home. Is this insanity or just me? So, I said yes we would have a talk and from now on I couldn’t accept anything from him.

The real pain in the ass about this situation is that I don’t hate him. Ideally, I would like him to be in my life. Friendship is a goal, but it just hurts too much to see him. So, on Tuesday afternoon he picked me up from my Grandma’s and we went to a little country restaurant to have our FINAL breakup up conversation. Can you believe it months, later and still discussing the breakup. It is my fault really because he has wanted to know if we could get back together and I have said No, I don’t want to get back together but I can’t say it will never happen. I know that is confusing but I am just not strong enough to say NEVER. Dear god. I did say though that I want to be alone. I am alone and you are alone and we are not together and I am not working towards being together. It was really hard to say but we had just been in the car for an hour and he complained the whole time. Not about me, although he did yell at me while I was on the phone with him at my Grandma’s, but he did complain about everything under the sun. I want to be happy, finally. I don’t want to participate in a negative life or relationship. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I hope he can be. I will really miss him though.

So, now I am nervous because I am going to collect my things. Uhh, I have a huge friggin’ painting at his house too. What am I going to do with that? Tie it to my back and hop on the broad street line. Damn.

In the meantime. I kissed someone. So, kill me. That’s another story.

Oh Buford,

26 Jul

You are cooler than you let on :)

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