Tag Archives: heartbreak

Sick like a dog.

7 Aug

I have been sick, it is true. I haven’t posted, I know.  I also know the saying is “sick as a dog” but I choose to say sick like a dog because once when I was washing dishes, at a restaurant, while in high school, my manager said that to me, you know, “sick like a dog” and I thought that’s not how the saying goes and then I thought why not? Why the hell not!

The ringworm has taken over my body and I can’t seem to kick it out of me. On top of that, I had a really bad aching back all last week and swollen tonsils some people like to call kissing tonsils, which I think sounds romantic. My tonsils were anything but romantic. I think I am going to share with you a photo of my ringworm just so you know how this fungus can ruin a life! Dramatic, right?

I am heading over to the ex’s apartment in a few to clean out my things. I know what you must be thinking… when did she break up with him? I know, I know, back in March. I just couldn’t get my things yet. It has been too hard. Go collect my things… ahh. Today is the day though. I don’t know what I am going to do though, because he has all of my most important things for safe keeping. MY jewelry that he bought me, my passport and everything else that is valuable. I feel like vomiting.

I was at home this past weekend picking up my cat from my mom’s and visiting with family and the ex asked if he could drive me home to the Poconos to get my cat and I said no thank you. Then I felt bad and invited him to my brother’s BBQ on Sunday which he ended up saying no to. Then! I was at my Grandma’s on Monday and Tuesday watching my little goddaughter and he asked if he could pick me up and drive me home. Is this insanity or just me? So, I said yes we would have a talk and from now on I couldn’t accept anything from him.

The real pain in the ass about this situation is that I don’t hate him. Ideally, I would like him to be in my life. Friendship is a goal, but it just hurts too much to see him. So, on Tuesday afternoon he picked me up from my Grandma’s and we went to a little country restaurant to have our FINAL breakup up conversation. Can you believe it months, later and still discussing the breakup. It is my fault really because he has wanted to know if we could get back together and I have said No, I don’t want to get back together but I can’t say it will never happen. I know that is confusing but I am just not strong enough to say NEVER. Dear god. I did say though that I want to be alone. I am alone and you are alone and we are not together and I am not working towards being together. It was really hard to say but we had just been in the car for an hour and he complained the whole time. Not about me, although he did yell at me while I was on the phone with him at my Grandma’s, but he did complain about everything under the sun. I want to be happy, finally. I don’t want to participate in a negative life or relationship. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I hope he can be. I will really miss him though.

So, now I am nervous because I am going to collect my things. Uhh, I have a huge friggin’ painting at his house too. What am I going to do with that? Tie it to my back and hop on the broad street line. Damn.

In the meantime. I kissed someone. So, kill me. That’s another story.

August 2004

4 Jun

This all started in the summer of 2004. I had been in college for a full year studying photography and then something really bad happened in my life and I needed a break from everything. I quit my job and took the semester off from school. I spent the summer reading from the time I woke up in the morning until the time I fell asleep. I was reading in the park one day when I met a woman that I eventually started working for. I took care of her one year old son at random times throughout the day while she went to the gym or while she was drawing a nude model… anyway moving right along…

I had just started watching this little boy when I met someone who I will refer to on this site as, “Sugar”.  It was August, the end of summer and I was leaving work where I had been watching the boy in Rittenhouse Square Park, as Sugar would say.

I stopped by a Chinese restaurant to get takeout for dinner. I ordered a spring roll and steamed dumplings and sat down on the bench to wait for it. While I was waiting a tall, handsome man wearing a blue suit and caring a brown leather briefcase walked in. When he approached the counter to place a to-go order himself the man at the counter already knew his order, chicken and broccoli, extra broccoli.

I didn’t realize this until much later but I actually picked him up by saying the following, “So, come here often?”  We chatted for a few minutes after that. He asked me if I went to school in the area and I answered that I went to art school just down the street. I asked, “How about you?” and he said “School? I haven’t been in school since 1984.” I replied, “1984, that is the year I was born.”

His food was ready pretty much right after that and he said it was nice talking to me or something nice and to that effect and he walked out the door. Then he turned around and opened his brief case. He pulled out a business card and handed it to me and told me if I ever needed anything to give him a call.

I read that business card. He worked for an insurance company. What help with insurance would I need. No, I really knew what he meant though.

Days passed and I decided to email him and in his response to my email he asked me out to the restaurant of my choice. We started dating almost exclusively right after our first date.

We were on our way to dinner at Smith & Wollensky Summer 2005

That was six years ago. In the time we had together a lot has happened. We have traveled to six countries together and two more on my own. I have moved seven times, all within Philadelphia. I got my Associate’s degree in photography and then my bachelor’s degree. I have gone through one mental break down and three years of therapy. I have a niece and a nephew now and one goddaughter. I have acquired three orange cats. I interned for my greatest photographic inspiration of all time, Mary Ellen Mark and volunteered on an Elephant Sanctuary in Arkansas. I had laparoscopic cholecystectomy and have become a vegetarian. He was by my side through all of these things in his own unique way and on March 11, 2010 something came over me. I couldn’t be with him anymore. We sat in a Mexican restaurant that we went to regularly and I tried not to make a scene but something was different and something was wrong. I didn’t make the decision to break up with him, my body did and as I sat there crying I couldn’t eat. We had to leave. We walked back to his apartment and I sat there and told him things I never thought I would say. “Every time I said I loved you and we would be together forever I meant it.” I never thought we would not be together but I need to be on my own now.” These were some of the hardest things I have ever said in my life and I am tearing up as I sit here in my apartment alone and write this. He was the living version of all of my dreams and for six years I have called him Sugar, which he will always be to me.

Molecular structure of sucrose aka: Sugar, tattooed on my left forearm 2008