Tag Archives: moving out

The things I couldn’t carry.

9 Aug

I was working from home all day yesterday and didn’t get to share what actually happened while I was packing my stuff up and moving it out of my ex’s. The Rilo Kiley post was exactly how I was feeling yesterday though. When I was in a relationship with the ex I preferred Jenny Lewis’ version of Silver Lining without her band but now I enjoy the Rilo Kiley version more because I am starting to feel good again. I feel so alive! This is her version alone. Can you tell the difference and see where I am at with it?

I think both versions are beautiful but her version alone seems so desperate. Maybe desperate isn’t the right word but listen to both and you will know what I mean.

So, Saturday. I went to the ex’s to pack up my stuff and I hadn’t remembered clearly just how much stuff I still had there. He was there, he offered me something to drink and I used his house phone for 45 minutes to set up my new blackberry because I couldn’t do it while on my blackberry and it’s the only phone I have. A little weird, I know.

It was hard to be there and see my stuff there when it didn’t belong there anymore and remember of the times it did belong there. All of the things I have ever given him, like nicknacks, and notes and rocks that I had picked up and saved for him are all still on display on the ledge in the kitchen. He has a photo of me taken in Oaxaca, Mexico,  on the wall near the notes I’ve left for him with kissed lipstick prints and postcards I’ve sent to him while I was both away without him and on vacation with him. On the inside of his apartment door there is a note that says,

Dear BG, (he called me baby girl)

Please turn the heat up if needed.

…(a few other things)

Missing you,



I brought trash bags to load my stuff into and I cleaned out my drawer full of winter sweaters since I hadn’t stayed there since February. I packed up all of my jewelry and razors and highheels and I put in a pile what I couldn’t carry. In the middle of all of this he was reading in his room but he came in while I was standing in the middle of the study with all of our memories around us and I was crying.

He said, “Why are you crying now? I know you love to cry.” I know what he meant but I didn’t say anything but, “Yes, I like to cry.”

As I was standing there crying even after he left the room I text my mom and asked her if the next time she was in Philly could she pick up the things I couldn’t carry?

Then with my phone in my hand, I get an email from the other story, for another time, the guy that I kissed.



Sick like a dog.

7 Aug

I have been sick, it is true. I haven’t posted, I know.  I also know the saying is “sick as a dog” but I choose to say sick like a dog because once when I was washing dishes, at a restaurant, while in high school, my manager said that to me, you know, “sick like a dog” and I thought that’s not how the saying goes and then I thought why not? Why the hell not!

The ringworm has taken over my body and I can’t seem to kick it out of me. On top of that, I had a really bad aching back all last week and swollen tonsils some people like to call kissing tonsils, which I think sounds romantic. My tonsils were anything but romantic. I think I am going to share with you a photo of my ringworm just so you know how this fungus can ruin a life! Dramatic, right?

I am heading over to the ex’s apartment in a few to clean out my things. I know what you must be thinking… when did she break up with him? I know, I know, back in March. I just couldn’t get my things yet. It has been too hard. Go collect my things… ahh. Today is the day though. I don’t know what I am going to do though, because he has all of my most important things for safe keeping. MY jewelry that he bought me, my passport and everything else that is valuable. I feel like vomiting.

I was at home this past weekend picking up my cat from my mom’s and visiting with family and the ex asked if he could drive me home to the Poconos to get my cat and I said no thank you. Then I felt bad and invited him to my brother’s BBQ on Sunday which he ended up saying no to. Then! I was at my Grandma’s on Monday and Tuesday watching my little goddaughter and he asked if he could pick me up and drive me home. Is this insanity or just me? So, I said yes we would have a talk and from now on I couldn’t accept anything from him.

The real pain in the ass about this situation is that I don’t hate him. Ideally, I would like him to be in my life. Friendship is a goal, but it just hurts too much to see him. So, on Tuesday afternoon he picked me up from my Grandma’s and we went to a little country restaurant to have our FINAL breakup up conversation. Can you believe it months, later and still discussing the breakup. It is my fault really because he has wanted to know if we could get back together and I have said No, I don’t want to get back together but I can’t say it will never happen. I know that is confusing but I am just not strong enough to say NEVER. Dear god. I did say though that I want to be alone. I am alone and you are alone and we are not together and I am not working towards being together. It was really hard to say but we had just been in the car for an hour and he complained the whole time. Not about me, although he did yell at me while I was on the phone with him at my Grandma’s, but he did complain about everything under the sun. I want to be happy, finally. I don’t want to participate in a negative life or relationship. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I hope he can be. I will really miss him though.

So, now I am nervous because I am going to collect my things. Uhh, I have a huge friggin’ painting at his house too. What am I going to do with that? Tie it to my back and hop on the broad street line. Damn.

In the meantime. I kissed someone. So, kill me. That’s another story.